They're Lesbians
Five Minute Fiction
"Dude, I just read an insane statistic."
"Hm?"
"High school-age lesbians have an almost identical pregnancy rate to their heterosexual counterparts — 7 to 9 percent — while self-identified bisexuals have double."
"Eh."
"That's a whopping one-in-five. Twenty percent!"
"Sounds right to me."
"Sounds right to you? How does lesbians getting pregnant sound right to you?"
"Hey, just 'cause they're lesbians doesn't mean the equipment's broken."
"That's not—"
"I've been with plenty of lesbians and none of them had a sign hanging off the front of their woxers that read: 'WARNING: Punani Out of Order.'"
"It ain't about the punani being out, it's about what's going in—wait, you've been with lesbians? And what are woxers?"
"Women's boxers."
"Ah."
"They sell 'em at Target."
"I didn't know that."
"And yeah, all my baby mamas are lesbian."
"What?"
"It's an optimal breeding strategy."
"Wait, wait, wait. Roll it back. These aren't high school lesbians, are they?"
"What? No man. I got more decency than that."
"Thank God."
"I'm into older women anyway."
"I was about to say—"
"College freshmen only."
"Okay, but I still don't understand. How are you, as a straight man, getting lesbians pregnant?"
"Well, they don't tend to be on birth control, for one—"
"That's—"
"—so they're ovulating more than your average straight woman."
"Okay, but—"
"Again, they're lesbians."
"Yes, I know that, I—look, where does the dick come into play?"
"You know where the dick comes in to play, bro. You're 27."
"Tch."
"If you want to know how we get there, the answer is the same as it ever was: good times and bad alcohol."
"Okay but at some point she must say, 'wait, I'm a lesbian'."
"She does, and then I flutter my fingers a little faster—
"Jesus."
"—while whispering, 'It's a shame we can't do more.'"
"I get it!"
"And she does too."
"Okay but after you've slept with a lesbian, she stops being lesbian."
"Eh?"
"At that point, she's bisexual at best."
"I don't see how that's fair."
"Fair? It's the literal definition of the word!"
"Look, just 'cause a guy falls off the wagon and has a beer once in a blue moon that doesn't make him a full-blown alcoholic again."
"I'm sorry. Are you suggesting that all straight women are drunk on dick?"
"They are when they're with me."
"Lovely. Well, this has been an immensely edifying conversation, as usual."
"You're welcome."
"And I wish the best to you and all your child support payments to your bevy of lesbian baby mamas."
"Oh, I don't pay child support. They're lesbians."
"What?"
"They're lesbians."
"You can repeat that all you want: they're still single mothers—"
"Not all of them."
"—and they're still legally entitled to financial assistance."
"Right, but if they filed for child support and got it, they'd be straight on paper."
"You—"
"Because I'd be the dad."
"Okay. I see it now."
"But since they're lesbians, they don't file."
"Right. And that's your optimal breeding strategy, is it?"
"I'm up to ten or twelve bastards. Hasn't cost me a dime."
"You're a bad person, you know that?"
"On the contrary, I'm the best thing a straight man can be."
"And what's that?"
"An identity-affirming ally."
